Notable Quotes

From QG24:

- "It seems we have most of the dosages correct, except for Marty."

- "That's the thing about losing, you don't have to worry about that trophy all year."

- "We're here."

From QG23:

- "Mmmm..."

- Todd: "The liquor store closes at 9pm. Waze says we'll be there at 9pm." Frank: "No we won't."

- "I have the greatest friends. They'll be here in an hour."

- Andy: "Frank's not happy." Tim: "Yeah, I don't think a blowjob would make him happy right now." Andy: "Well ... I'm not signing up for that."

- From Royal New Kent: "Frank is going into volcano mode."

From QG21:

- "Oh, this guy."

- "Make sure you put the right town in, or Rob will get all medieval on your ass."

From QG19:

- "My ass has a light."

- "You can stick a sock in her mouth and go to town."

- "You can just ask for a can of Turtle Wax."

- You hate to see that happen... unless it's the Quad G."

- You'll just have two more years of no fun."

- The waiter at the Dough Roller: "Don't co-opt me."

- "I snore so much my uvula swells up."

- "I'm going to be rolling a giant Kleenex ball out to the curb."

- Also from the waiter at the Dough Roller: "You guys are like the Rat Pack of Ocean City."

- "It's just like communicating with Rob, and he's got a phone."

- "We're shuttin down the 5S....."

- "Screw this, I'm gonna be a dentist."

- "Jeff ... it's happening again !?!?"

- "Do you have Strawberry Frankenmarty?"

From QG19-SS:

- "Isn't that what a wife is? Getting something that you don't really want and still needing to pay a lot for it."

- Next year we'll be enjoying breakfast at Todd's Sunrise Cafe."

From QG18-SS:

- There's no bad touching for me.

- Stephen Hawking's dead, so good luck with that one.

- If they're worried about germs,we'll be leaving shortly.

- We're just hanging around to see if someone offers to buy us breakfast.

- Did you ever notice when you're down here, your fingernails seem to grow faster?

- If I see pictures of you and Craig at The Masters, I'm going to be upset.

- He made the security guard mistake of a lifetime -- "Is your first name Todd?"  Uh... yes!

From QG18:

- "Tim's on his way, he's gonna be here early. Jeff: He may be on his bike."

- "It's either wrestle for the check or wrestle me."

- "I remember when the Quad G was fun."

- "Look at this boil."

- "You look like the barbecue-sauce Joker."

- "What are you guys, diabetic?"

- "He does you better than you do you."

- "I don't know anything about business, but I do know about the sun."

- "Thank God you had a rock and a piece of leather."

- "When they take your laces there's usually something wrong."

-"The Quad G is not about denying yourself. If you want a pizza, get a pizza."

-"90"

-"What, you think you're the only one who can shit yourself?"

-"God only knows what's runnin' around in here."

-"If he was still alive, Yule Brenner would play Jeff."

-"I wasn't gonna say anything, but I could really use an assistant."

-"Siri, how long's Quad G -- The Musical?"

-"John singlehandedly caused a chicken holocaust."

-"If that's missing in the morning, you guys don't know anything about it."

-"OOh, Ooh, ooh."

-"I think I'm having a stroke."

-"Oh Boy!!   Wow!!    Pfttttt"

-"Care for a banana?"

-"I'm already 11 quotes ahead."

-"I know this guy. His name is Merty"

-"What's your name?... Merty Bent."

-"It's actually very complicated... for a button machine."

-"Jeff, you've spent the evening overstepping your bounds."

-"Next year it'll be Dublin 6."

From QG17 Christmas Dinner:

- "It doesn't mean I can't keep calling."

- "I'm sick of Goebel."

From QG17:

- "I've never had a Bloody Mary. I like staying drunk."

- Frank: "There's his car right there." Todd: "With Delaware plates?"

- "Farts aren't supposed to be lumpy."

- Frank: "I was coming home on 83 and there must have been 10 dead deer."  Marty: "They were hit by cars?" Andy: "No, they died from hypertension." Todd: "Too much salt in their diets."

- "He said cock."

- Yeah, well he's dead."

- "He's got those party favors coming out of his nose."

- "If I would have hit that harder it would have gone in."

- "I have a beard."

- Jeff: "I'm gonna be working Andy all night." Todd: Or at least until 8:30, when you go to bed."

- "It's Young MC fellas, calm down."

- "They're lucky they don't golf." Andy: "So am I."

- Frank: "We should be ready to yell fore." Todd: "We should yell quattro."

- "Oh boy."

- "Last night we took a leisurely boat ride to dinner." Tonight I'm worried 

about taking a shiv in the stairwell."

- "It's like a skunk was smoking weed in the hallway." 

- "Who's laughing now, Green Giant?"

- "Wow, that was instantly smelly, Wow... I think I just saw Jesus... Wow."

- "No offense Tim but you're just the flavor of the week."

- "Don't bastardize the draw."

- "I could win a lot of money if Frank would just get in the goddamn shower with me."

- "Gun up boys, gun up."

- "This place is a shot hole."

From QG17 Pre-G Dinner:

- "I claimed him as a dependent last year."

- "There's barium in the tires.  Madame Curie put it in herself."

From QG17 - Southern Swing:

- "It's like being waited on by 27 Grandmas."

- And her teeth come out too."

- "Bennett!"

- "I'd like the personal pizza with meatballs and iowaska."

- Jeff: "I should have just made the putt on 18 and we wouldn't be in this dilemma."  Todd: "What dilemma?" 

The Archives:

- "I didn't know Peter Pan was on a wire."

- "I want five on Marty."

- "Kelly, I'm talking to you."

- "There's just air blowing through my head."

- "If we had a coach, he'd be screaming at us right now."

- "Golfers are hot too."

- "We'd be rolling around on the range.  It would look like the opening credits to The Monkees."

- "Jeff: He's a golf ninja." Andy: "He's a Timja."

- "Ed (starter at BayWood, looking at Frank's yellow ball): Is that a legal ball?" Todd: "It matches his shirt and it comes with a tampon."

- Jeff: "What's his name?"  Vicky the waitress: "Dale."

- "He'll just be wearing a velour track suit."

- Typical conversation at the Berndt house... Beth: "You need to slow down."  Marty: "No, you need to hurry up."

- "Smooth 99 and Dale."

- "Look out, Marty's all oystered up."

- "Marty's the new Bob -- he's very positive tonight."

- "All your blood's in another place."

- Are these penis pictures?"

- "My ankle hurts, does yours?"

- "I have an Irish terrier, fuck you."

- "Siri, where's the pancake place on Hilton Head?"

- I sweat when I eat french fries."

- "We have one more night. No, we have until Jen and Mark come back."

- Rob: "Todd made a lot of putts today."  Todd: "I had to."

- Andy at the 14th green, observing the sixsome: "Jeff, this is bordering on anarchy."

- "It's already an epic battle... where have you been?"

- (From the Pre-G dinner) "I'd just walk away if I were you."

- "Hey, can you take a punch?"

- "Turn towards the thumb."

- "He's playing that course-management shit."

- (Following a Borris knee-high screaming hook...) Jeff: "Todd, what's your driver set to?"  Todd: "Maximum loft, maximum fade."

- "Any of you kids ever get the clap?"

- "He's trying the pat his boner down with his right hand."

- "Pull the fucking pin and let's get this over with."

- "We're gonna get YOU dirty."

- Only three things can happen in an elevator ... and two of them are bad."

- "I said BIGGER!  I didn't pay $3M to not have the biggest sign on the street!"

- Said on the 16th tee at Long Cove -- "Ladies and gentlemen, Marty has left the course." 

- "I just wanted to see if you could finish the match with poop in your pants."

- "Do you want some crayons, sweetie?"

- "OK Daddy Warbucks, let's go."

- "Did you see my mom bending over to hug Andy?"

- "The white pills make my ass hurt."

- "It's 163 yards to Frank's dick... so it's 163 yards and 3 inches to his abdomen."

- "I wish I was a bear... I'd have mauled him to death."

- Andy: "I thought we moved pretty quickly."  Merrell: "Well, you didn't."

- "You don't do trades, do ya?"

- "Frank, I don't need a letter."

- Todd: "Marty missed everything."  Andy: "He didn't miss that guy's roof."

- “As long as it says one battery on my credit card, I'm in.”

- “I need some bubbles.”

- “Yeah Jeff, but who won the match?”

- “We may have a team meeting when we get out of here. Why, you going to bed?”

- “I hope you keep ridin' him all night long.”

- “I wonder which house I hit.”

- “You know why your head's like that? It's from making too many U-turns under the sheets.”

- “Tim's like a lone wolf. He just swoops in, kicks ass and leaves.”

- “Oh... FUCK! There goes our ball.”

- “I'm all that stands between you and immortality.”

- “I can't wait to poop this out.”

- Marty: "It took me 5 holes to get over the cargo-shorts controversy." Merrell: "Really? I thought it was more like 36."

- Jeff: "You want to play 9 holes of alternate shot?" Merrell: "No. I'm afraid I might get Marty."

- "So, Merrell, can you swim?"

- "Here's a little bit of advice -- shut the fuck up."

- Merrell: "Are you guys leaving on Monday?" Todd: "Who says we're leaving?"

- "We're really giving that bathroom fan a workout."

- Todd to Jeff: "I'm gonna be in your dad's grill all day."

- Merrell: "Do all these guys play tennis?" Frank: "I'm more a poker and bullets guy."

- Frank: "I'm not gonna tell you to shut up, I'm just gonna hit you." Andy: "He's not kidding, Bob."

- "What are you looking at, your little feet not even touching the floor?"

-  "I just hope my underwear's not soaked in gasoline when I get to hell."

-  "I don't know, but it looks pretty gay."

- Spoken in hushed tones at the Bearded Clam -- "Guys, I really don't think we fit in here."

- Marty: "My daughter's going to Pratt." Unidentified G-Man: "Pratt ... what's that stand for?" Marty, in slightly condescending tone: "Uhh, it stands for ... Pratt."

- "You don't understand... I need a glass of water NOW!"

- "We have the crab bisque, that's very popular, and we have the cream of beet ... that's not very popular.

- "Hope I don't prolapse my rectum."